A client came to see me last month for help losing weight. She is a smart, successful woman who owned her own business, raised three kids, and volunteers at the local food bank. By all accounts, she's accomplished and capable.
But the way she talked to herself was brutal.
"I'm so lazy. I have no willpower. I'm disgusting. How did I let myself get like this?"
I asked her directly, "Would you ever say those things to your best friend?"
She looked shocked. "Of course not! I would never talk to anyone like that."
"Then why," I asked gently, "is it okay to say them to yourself?"
She didn't have an answer, and in that moment, something shifted.
This is one of the most common patterns I see with clients - the harsh, critical inner voice that says things we'd never dream of saying to someone we care about. And beyond just regularly affecting their mood, it actually interferes with their ability to make the changes they want to make.
It may be surprising to hear that this critical inner voice isn't your brain trying to hurt you - it's actually trying to help you, just using a really ineffective strategy.
Your brain evolved something called we call a negativity bias. It's a survival mechanism that kept us safe, especially back in our environment of evolution when we had to worry about being eaten by predators. The brain that noticed threats and dangers was the brain that survived.
So our brains became really, really good at noticing what's wrong, what could go wrong, and what we need to fix or avoid.
That was great when the threats were actual predators, but now that same mechanism magnifies the danger of modern stressors and makes us hyper-focus on our mistakes, our flaws, and everything that's not perfect about us or our lives.
You could receive ten compliments and one criticism, and guess which one you'll replay in your mind all evening? The criticism. That's the negativity bias at work.
The problem is, when we turn this bias inward through negative self-talk, it doesn't motivate us to do better. It actually makes change harder.
Just because a thought shows up in your mind doesn't mean it's true, and it doesn't mean you have to accept it.
That first thought - "I'm lazy," "I'm not good enough," or "I always mess things up" - that's just your brain's negativity bias doing its thing. It's often automatic. It's been doing this for years, maybe decades.
But you get a second thought, and that second thought is where your power comes online.
The second thought is the one where you can choose. You can notice that first negative thought and then consciously decide: "Is this actually true? Is this helpful? Is this how I want to think about myself?"
Most of the time, the answer to all three questions is no.
I have a simple practice I teach clients, and it's remarkably effective.
When you catch yourself in negative self-talk, ask yourself: "Would I say this to my best friend if they were in this situation?"
If your friend came to you and said they ate more than they planned at dinner, would you respond with "Disgusting - you have no willpower"? Of course not. You'd probably say something like "It's okay, one meal doesn't define you. What can you learn from this?"
That's the voice you need to use with yourself.
It's not about lying to yourself or pretending problems don't exist. It's about treating yourself with the same kindness, compassion, and reasonable perspective that you'd offer someone you care about.
When my weight loss client started practicing this, she noticed something interesting. When she stopped berating herself for every imperfect food choice, she actually found it easier to make better choices. The harsh criticism wasn't motivating her at all - it was just making her feel bad, which actually made her want to eat for comfort.
Kindness, it turns out, is way more effective than criticism.
Changing self-talk patterns takes practice, but it's absolutely doable. Here are some techniques that work:
Start paying attention to how you talk to yourself, especially when things don't go as planned. Just becoming aware of the pattern is a huge first step.
When that negative self-talk shows up, don't automatically believe it. Take a breath and create a little space between the thought and your response to it.
Ask better questions. Instead of, "Why am I so stupid?" try, "What can I learn from this?" Instead of, "Why can't I ever get this right?" try, "What would help me do this differently next time?"
When you catch a harsh thought, actively reframe it. "I'm lazy" becomes "I'm tired and need rest." "I'm a failure" becomes "I'm learning and this is part of the process."
Research shows that talking to yourself using your own name (like a supportive friend would) is more effective than using "I." So instead of "I can handle this," try "Erika, you can handle this." It creates helpful psychological distance.
Your brain is already great at noticing what's wrong, so you have to intentionally practice noticing what's right. What did you do well today? What are you proud of? What's working?
When my client shifted how she talked to herself, the weight loss became almost secondary. Yes, she lost the weight she wanted to lose, but more importantly, she felt different in her life.
She had more energy. She was less anxious. She enjoyed things more. She was kinder to her kids and her husband because she wasn't walking around in a constant state of self-criticism and stress.
Her relationships improved. Her work improved. Her whole experience of being alive improved.
That's what happens when you stop treating yourself like an enemy and start treating yourself like someone worthy of kindness and respect.
The truth is, you are worthy of that kindness right now - not when you lose the weight, not when you accomplish the goal, not when you finally get it all figured out. Right now.
That harsh inner critic might be trying to keep you safe or push you to do better, but when you're constantly criticizing yourself, you're activating your stress response, which actually makes it harder to think clearly, make good decisions, and follow through on changes. You can thank your brain for trying to help and still choose a different approach.
If you want to shift your self-talk patterns, start here:
For the next three days, just notice. Pay attention to how you talk to yourself. Don't try to change it yet - just observe. You might be surprised by what you hear.
Then, for the next three days, practice the friend test. Every time you catch negative self-talk, ask yourself: "Would I say this to my best friend?" If the answer is no, don't say it to yourself either. (And congratulations! You caught it, and that's definitely worth celebrating.)
After that, start actively reframing. When the negative thought shows up, acknowledge it ("There's that old pattern again") and then consciously choose a kinder thought.
This isn't about toxic positivity or pretending everything is perfect. It's about treating yourself with basic human decency and kindness.
You'd do it for anyone else in your life, and it's time now to do it for yourself too.
The next time you catch yourself in harsh self-criticism, pause. Take a breath. And ask yourself: "If I wouldn't say it to my best friend, why would I say it to myself?"
Then choose a different thought. One that's truer, kinder, and actually helpful.
You deserve that.